Photo of Five - ramblings

Tonight The Little Man pulled out a calendar a dear friend made for us. It starts with the individual pictures of five Chinese children. Then the second page shows them all sitting together in the orphanage looking bewildered at a birthday cake that one of the adoption moms sent for the second birthday of her soon to be daughter.

It is obvious these are not American children. The candles on the cake are burning and there is not move to blow them by any of the children, just bewilderment at what in the world is going on here. It is also winter. The children are bundled up to the point of having difficulty moving their knees and elbows. And they bundled this heavily although they are inside. But the orphanage didn't have heat at the time our children where there. The children are on tiny chairs and looking at whom ever was taking the photo.

Flipping back to the first page, four of the five children are wearing the same pants. Did they have a lot of this particular pair of pants? or did one pair get around a lot? I happen to believe they had a lot of this pant, as I have picture of our Little Man with his roommate in matching dresses. Yes, people should donate more boys clothing, but don't go crazy as I'm not sure the donations actually make it to the children until the day of adoption - When the Little Man came to us, it was in an European cartoon matching set, with the tags still in it.

How in the world did the five mommies of these children find each other. And then I found the roommate to the mom of Little Man's roommate in the matching dress. Times are different than a century ago, different then 20 years ago. The kids are finding homes. The moms are cyberly-connected.

And when I start to wonder what in the world did I do? Why did I disrupt our lives with this defiant angry little man? Why did I think I could handle this? Why did I think I could parent another child? Why did I think I could provide? - which are obviously depressing thought, but yes, thoughts that I go through so much more often than even I am comfortable admitting.

Then I continue to wonder: why did we all do this? How are we all surviving? Of the five in the birthday photo; one is a single mom; one was on the second adoption after two biologic children; one has returned to china for the second adoption following the first two biologic; one is a family of two kids - one biologic one adoptive, both girls; and us, family of tow boys, one biologic and one adoptive. Of the roommate, after struggles with infertility and an adoption, she is now a first time expecting biological mom.

We are all surviving. Sometimes flourishing, sometimes surviving, but all getting on in life. When I'm overwhelmed, these are people who understand. When I'm happy, these are the people that know how hard it is to reach happiness.

But there are another six moms out there. These moms I do not know, yet we are connected with them. Moms that new their children had medical issues that needed to be addressed. I presume they have good days and bad days. I presume they wonder about their children. I presume they pray/hope that their children are being treated as well as they are, but also that their hopes are being met, to which I'm not sure I meet.

I struggle with loving a defiant child. But if I had to abandon mine, I would pray and hope that someone would love them, care for them, and set them on their own feet in the world. I don't imagine it is easy to abandon your child. Yet, tens of thousands of women fell that is their best choice each year. And then there is a matching tens of thousand women who believe they can love/handle the new addition to their lives.

In the end, I think we both underestimate the pain of the process, the weight of the undertaking, and the uncertainty of the outcome. And that is about the kids and the family structure change, let alone the medical issues that need addressing. But we entered with hope. We continue day to day with hope. And there is really no choice but to believe in our collective hope having some positive long term power.